Free advice for our elected Republican leaders

Dear Chris Monzel,

If you hope to have a future in politics, please take these suggestions to heart:

Letting a gum-chewing homo run a #2 trimmer through your hair at SuperCuts is not in your best interest. Do yourself a favor and try spending more than $4.25, and under no circumstances are you to tell the stylist what she is to do. Let her choose, just this once. You’ll be glad you did.

Second, the Monzel Report is terrible. It’s not Brad Beckett’s fault, it’s yours. He works his ass off for you to churn out page after page of the most boring collection of tedious minutiae anyone has ever seen. Stop. Just stop. Also, please unsubscribe me from your mail list. I have never in my life ever read a single story in the Monzel Report. It's almost as bad as the Becker Report. More on that later.

Third, lose the tweed sport coats. Buy more suits. And whenever you are driving, practice making facial expressions to give your cheeks a workout. Your face is starting to get saggy.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Leslie Ghiz,

If you want the party endorsement this year, please consider the following:

First, please stop having sex with Democrats at City Hall.

Second, please stop having sex with City Hall staffers.

Third, please stop having sex with Jean Schmidt.

Fourth, please stop running for office.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Pat DeWine,

If you don't want me to find someone to take you out next year, please heed the following advice:

1) Buy a neck brace, and wear it. Practice holding your chin perpendicular to your body.

2) Never, ever run for any office other than Commissioner. You've done more with less than any other political candidate in the tri-state area. Quit while you are ahead.

3) When walking, keep your hands out of your pockets. No one wants to think about what your hands are doing in there.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Steve Chabot,

Yep, the hair.

Shave it off.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Jean Schmidt,

Brush your teeth. Slather your face with putty. Wear high-collared shirts so no one has to look at your neck. Never, under any circumstances, open your mouth, except maybe to eat, never to talk.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Joe Deters,

Please keep your pants up while at work. We already had one sex scandal. You should also consider not traveling with staffers who look like porn starlets. They are a dead giveaway.

Don't worry, though. Your dirty secret is safe with me. For now.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Tom Brinkman,

Please go through your closet and throw away all pants that do not touch your shoes.

Also, please throw away any ties with the following patterns / designs:

-dollar signs
-cartoon characters
-holiday themes
-animals

Never, under any circumstances, go to the same barber that Monzel uses.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Jim Raussen,

See advice for Joe Deters.

Also, stop hitting the sauce. It's starting to show.

Sincerely,

Angry George

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Dear Michelle Schneider,

Stop eating for at least a year. And never again take your shoes off when in a meeting. Your fat feet smell like burned brussel sprouts and urine.

Sincerely,

Angry George