A day in the life of Greg Hartmann - if I were him...

I've seen cottonballs with more personality. This is how it would look if I were Greg Hartmann:

Zzzzzz. Zzzzzz. Snort. Cough. Hiccup.

Ohhhh.. Morning again.

Roll out of bed, hop in the shower. What do I have to do today? Let me see... Hmmm.

Oh that's right, I'm still the Clerk of Courts. So that means I guess I have exactly NOTHING to do today. Nevertheless, I guess I'll head in to the office just to get out of spackling that hole in the wall for my cranky wife.

OK. Tighty-whitey underpants? Check.

Boring red tie, with the red stripes on a reddish background? Check.

Black wingtips, like every other corporate schmuck with no personality? Check.

Fake glasses to make me look intelligent? Check.

Better stop off at Starbucks and spend $6.95 on a double mocha with extra foam. There's no way I could stay awake at my desk without it, despite the fact that I went to bed last night around 9pm, sans nookie.

I walk into my spacious Clerk of Courts office. That's right, people, I am THE CLERK of COURTS. Not just any regular, every day clerk. I went to Pepperdine, you stupid fools. I am THE FREAKING CLERK OF ALL COURTS IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN COUNTY AND I WANT SOME FREAKING R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

"Good morning, Greg," says one of the employees.

"Shut up, skank. You're fired. Get out."

As the employee collects herself, still not sure if I really just fired her (I did), I turn to Kreg Allison, or as I like to call him: 'Mini-Me'.

"Mini-Me, quit working on Pat Fischer's campaign while on government time, and go get me a grande latte at Starbucks on government time."

I pick up the phone and dial *151 for the PA system.

"Now hear this. Attention all employees. This is Greg Hartmann, and every fat chick in the building is fired. That is all. Good bye."

Then I pull the .38 special out of my desk drawer and blow my brains out.

Below is an artist's conception of what it might actually look like:



...

Nope. I couldn't hack it if I were really Greg Hartmann.

And yeah, 2nd Amendment nuts... I know it's not a .38 special in the picture. Idiots.