Question 1:
You are an underachiever working for peanuts at Skeffington's Formal Wear at Kenwood Town Center. Two customers walk in. Both are immaculately groomed, with goatees and earrings. They tell you they are going to a wedding. One asks for a black tuxedo and one asks for a white tuxedo. Do you:
a) Get on your hands and knees and "measure their inseams"?
b) Offer to save them some money by only renting them pants, white wrist cuffs and bow ties.
c) Tell them Skeffingtons is now closed and will re-open when they are no longer gay and their behavior no longer makes you want to kick their ass and vomit.
Question 2:
You are County Commissioner, and the community needs a jail, but doesn't have the money to fund it. Do you:
a) Sit on your ass for four years, then come up with an idea at the last moment, then watch as the idea and your political career go down in flames at the ballot box?
b) Raise taxes to fund a brand-new, Taj Mahal-esque, state of the art "justice center," complete with 500 channels of satellite television and high speed internet access in every cell so the prisoners can download fifty billion gigabytes of child porn every night.
c) Look at the lone idiot Democrat on the county commission with the mustache stuck to his face, tell him to enjoy being irrelevant for the rest of his life, then, with the help of your other conservative vote, slash funding on every last liberal social program, use a small portion of the proceeds to build an enormous but hellish jail system on a floating barge in the middle of the Ohio river, then refund the remainder of the savings to all property owners.
Question 3:
After being elected to Congress by the closest of margins, you quickly make a series of mistakes to cement the idea in everyone's mind that you are a complete dumbass. Do you:
a) Lie about having a college degree, then lie when confronted about it.
b) Propose a nuclear waste facility in your district.
c) Slip on someone vomit in the restroom, then piss off a visiting dignitary by insisting on introducing the House Minority Leader at a fundraiser, then proceed to insult said minority leader by cracking jokes about his golf tan and how he looks like "one of those illegals who will get amnesty under President Bush's plan, which I fully support."
Question 4:
You are an ass-kicking party chairman with incredible good looks and a devilish charm. While attending a very exclusive party, one of the Ben-Gal's cheerleaders approaches you and whispers in your ear that she wants to have a smaller "party" with just you, and one of her female friends. Upon learning of the identity of the friend, you turn her down. Why?
a) Because the phrase "party" implies an illicit sexual encounter where extra-marital and potentially lesbian intercourse might occur, and you oppose such behavior - or at least you say you oppose such behavior because you are such a loser that you've never been faced with such a situation and know you never will.
b) Because your wife is smoking hot and she called you just a few minutes before to tell you that she just got back from a shopping spree and she wants to reveal to you just what, exactly, Victoria's "secret" really is.
c) Because the other dyke was Leslie Ghiz.
Question 5:
You are the GOP Chairman of a smaller, inferior county, and you have a red moustache and a strange allegiance to the most embarrassing elected official since Jerry Springer. You want desperately to curry favor with the GOP Chairman who has a reputation for kicking a lot of ass without taking names. Do you:
a) Resign your position to avoid the discomfort of having to choose between a vulnerable sitting Congresswoman or the people who want her bounced from office.
b) Call said superior chairman and admit you have been wrong to endorse the embarrassing Congresswoman, and promise to double-cross her during the endorsement process in 2008, restoring your image as a powerful chairman but compromising your integrity.
c) Support said Congresswoman once again, only to watch her go down in flames in either the primary or the general election, then be forced to cut off your finger and mail it in a fine, porcelain box to said superior chairman as an admission of your failure, symbol of your apology, and promise never to go against said superior chairman in any future endeavors.
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Answers:
Question 1 - the correct answer is "b" - any Republican worthy of running for office knows their stupid sham "marriage" is meaningless because we passed the Marriage Amendment in Ohio. But that doesn't mean they can't dress up and play house, so why not make a few extra bucks off these weirdos?
Score 3 points if you answered "b"
Score 2 points if you answered "c" - you lose a point for being a shameless bigot, which in turn makes you unelectable.
Score 0 points if you answered "a" because, well, come on. Do I have to explain it?
Question 2 - The correct answer is "c" - slashing liberal programs, making Todd Portune the poster boy for political Viagra, and making a jail out of an old coal barge? Come on. Only
Score 3 points if you answered "c"
Score 1 point if you pulled a Heimlich maneuver, because, hey, at least you'll get a four year paid vacation at taxpayer expense before they run you out of town.
Score 0 point if you answered "b" because you want to raise taxes AND build a porn palace for perverts.
Question 3 - The correct answer is "d" - anybody but Schmidt, but I will also accept "c" because who hasn't slipped in a pool of vomit and insulted the most powerful Republican leader in the House? I know I have.
Score 3 points if you answered "c".
Score 2 points if you lied about your college degree and got away with it for 16 years.
Score 1 point if you think your constituents should drink water that makes them glow in the dark.
Question 4 - The correct answer is "c", for two reasons: First, everyone knows Leslie Ghiz is a dyke, and very few people have smoking hot wives like mine, so "b" can't possibly be the correct answer.
Score 3 points if you answered "c"
Score 2 points if you answered "b" but only if your wife is so hot that I might even do her. Five bonus points if I have, but subtract 10 for not having the balls to kick my ass and divorce her when you found out.
Score 0 points for "a" because, come on. Nobody turns down lesbians. Nobody. Not even David Pepper.
Question 5 - Score 3 points if you answered "c" because I would just LOVE to have a fine porcelain box on my desk containing your finger. And for the record, I want the whole damned finger, not just the first two knuckles. The first two knuckles only is a sign of weakness and a half-hearted apology. If you send me your first two knuckles, I swear I will come to your house and cut off two more fingers, shove them up your nose and then kick your ass.
Score 2 points answering "b" and double-crossing Jean Schmidt.
Score -5 points for being a giant, smelly vagina.
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RATE YOUR POLITICAL PROSPECTS
12-15 points: Congratulations, you either cheated or you're a political genius. Either way, you probably have the skills necessary for success.
9-11 points: You might have what it takes to run for County Auditor. Too bad we cut all those deals with Dusty so that you won't be allowed to run.
3-8 points: Congratulations, you're a flaming moderate moron. And we all know there is no such thing as a great moderate. You might want to consider running for County Coroner, where you might have more of an opinion than the dead people you work with.
-8 to 2 points: You must be a Democrat. Choke and die.
-9 points: You must be very proud of yourself. You are as stupid as they come. Victoria Wulsin comes to mind. And remember, even she came with 1% of taking out Jean Schmidt.
