If I was a lesser man, I might have puked into my oatmeal when I read Jean Schmidt's shameless, self-serving and utterly stupid article in the Chillicothe Gazette.
In case you missed it, an Angry George fan known as "Crazy Jean Hater" sent in a visual recap of the entire article, which will actually save you the trouble of reading it:
Don't bother to read it unless you like the smell of vomit on your computer keyboard.
Many of you don't know what's been happening behind the scenes, but I was recently victorious over the impotent and nefarious legal menage-a-troi of Google, Blogger and Hartmann, and now that my blog has been restored to full operating capacity, I am feeling particularly opinionated.
Plus I'll be leaving my plush corner office early this afternoon and I'm already drunk.
Being in a relaxed state of mind, I've decided to offer my opinion on a variety of subjects, in no particular order, scored on a scale of one to ten, with ten being, say, oh I don't know, something pretty. Like a beautiful unicorn flying over a rainbow with a lovely sunset over the ocean and pretty purple-orange clouds. And a rating of one being like Jean Schmidt's face.
That gives us a logical place to start:
Phil Heimlich for Congress: 3 Having Phil Heimlich for a congressman would be like watching Weekend at Bernie's 3: Bernie Goes to Washington. A dead man could accomplish more than he did as Commissioner. He took a four year vacation at our expense. Four years wasted that could have been used to develop the Banks, build a jail, and find a way to shave off Todd Portune's mustache. Instead he picked his nose and wiped gigantic boogers under the chair of his beach lounger.
Since he's so lazy, I've decided to design a yard sign for his Congressional campaign, and it's only two colors which will save him some money:
Then again, even a dead person is better than Schmidt.
Maggie Nafziger: 10 At the risk of making things awkward when I stop in to Republican Headquarters at 700 Walnut, I'm going to share this opinion.
I think it's time that we as Republicans acknowledge the amazing talent we have in our Executive Director. And when I say talent, of course I'm talking about her amazing rack.
Fred Thompson for President: 3 Let's be honest here. Fred Thompson gave a very credible perfomance as the captain of an aircraft carrier in Hunt for Red October. My disbelief was suspended when he told Jack Ryan (played by asshat liberal Alec Baldwin), "The Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan."
But since then, his acting has been just plain awful. I can't remember the last time I watched an episode of Law and Order where Fred Thompson made a believer out of me.
And believe me, as the powerful chairman of the Hamilton County Republican Party, a vaunted lawyer in the courtroom, counselor to the owner of the Cincinnati Reds, and an absolute cocksmith in the bedroom, I watch a LOT of TV. Hours and hours.
But he was old and fat then, and he's older and fatter now. The last fat old lard-ass president was Clinton, and we all know how that ended.
Mitt Romney for President: 3 If the West Wing was written by a conservative, Romney would be President Bartlett.
Too bad for us though, that he carries the unfortunate baggage of believing that Jesus had six wives during his second visit to Salt Lake City. Or so it goes. But if we can just get past that trivial detail, maybe he's electable. After all, I've heard the guy is so hot even Democrats like David Pepper would vote for him.
Caveman TV Show based on Geico Commercial: 3
Stupid.
Steve Chabot's Swirlee: 3 OK, Steve - if I may call you that. Yes. I may.
Look, man to man, your hair looks TERRIBLE. You may not know this, but people standing behind you are often scared when they see the back of your melon.
There are TV shows on the Discovery Channel that show deadly, venomous insects resembling your hairstyle. Generally, they live in places like the Amazon rainforest or the wilds of African Congo. And they are all hideous and unsettling.
Seriously, if you would just acknowledge how horrible it looks, I'd give you a 9 for having the balls to say, yeah, my head resembles that of an oil rig fire victim...so what?
But no. Instead, whenever Chabs shows up, we all have to stand around and pretend he doesn't look like a giant treasure troll with a swirlee.
