It's a poll and it's pretty sweet.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
Will someone please drop kick Jean Schmidt in the face?
If I was a lesser man, I might have puked into my oatmeal when I read Jean Schmidt's shameless, self-serving and utterly stupid article in the Chillicothe Gazette.
In case you missed it, an Angry George fan known as "Crazy Jean Hater" sent in a visual recap of the entire article, which will actually save you the trouble of reading it:
Don't bother to read it unless you like the smell of vomit on your computer keyboard.
In case you missed it, an Angry George fan known as "Crazy Jean Hater" sent in a visual recap of the entire article, which will actually save you the trouble of reading it:
Don't bother to read it unless you like the smell of vomit on your computer keyboard.
Friday, August 3, 2007
Angry George rates various things
Many of you don't know what's been happening behind the scenes, but I was recently victorious over the impotent and nefarious legal menage-a-troi of Google, Blogger and Hartmann, and now that my blog has been restored to full operating capacity, I am feeling particularly opinionated.
Plus I'll be leaving my plush corner office early this afternoon and I'm already drunk.
Being in a relaxed state of mind, I've decided to offer my opinion on a variety of subjects, in no particular order, scored on a scale of one to ten, with ten being, say, oh I don't know, something pretty. Like a beautiful unicorn flying over a rainbow with a lovely sunset over the ocean and pretty purple-orange clouds. And a rating of one being like Jean Schmidt's face.
That gives us a logical place to start:
Phil Heimlich for Congress: 3
Having Phil Heimlich for a congressman would be like watching Weekend at Bernie's 3: Bernie Goes to Washington. A dead man could accomplish more than he did as Commissioner. He took a four year vacation at our expense. Four years wasted that could have been used to develop the Banks, build a jail, and find a way to shave off Todd Portune's mustache. Instead he picked his nose and wiped gigantic boogers under the chair of his beach lounger.
Since he's so lazy, I've decided to design a yard sign for his Congressional campaign, and it's only two colors which will save him some money:
Then again, even a dead person is better than Schmidt.
Maggie Nafziger: 10
At the risk of making things awkward when I stop in to Republican Headquarters at 700 Walnut, I'm going to share this opinion.
I think it's time that we as Republicans acknowledge the amazing talent we have in our Executive Director. And when I say talent, of course I'm talking about her amazing rack.
Fred Thompson for President: 3
Let's be honest here. Fred Thompson gave a very credible perfomance as the captain of an aircraft carrier in Hunt for Red October. My disbelief was suspended when he told Jack Ryan (played by asshat liberal Alec Baldwin), "The Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan."
But since then, his acting has been just plain awful. I can't remember the last time I watched an episode of Law and Order where Fred Thompson made a believer out of me.
And believe me, as the powerful chairman of the Hamilton County Republican Party, a vaunted lawyer in the courtroom, counselor to the owner of the Cincinnati Reds, and an absolute cocksmith in the bedroom, I watch a LOT of TV. Hours and hours.
But he was old and fat then, and he's older and fatter now. The last fat old lard-ass president was Clinton, and we all know how that ended.
Mitt Romney for President: 3
If the West Wing was written by a conservative, Romney would be President Bartlett.
Too bad for us though, that he carries the unfortunate baggage of believing that Jesus had six wives during his second visit to Salt Lake City. Or so it goes. But if we can just get past that trivial detail, maybe he's electable. After all, I've heard the guy is so hot even Democrats like David Pepper would vote for him.
Caveman TV Show based on Geico Commercial: 3
Stupid.
Steve Chabot's Swirlee: 3
OK, Steve - if I may call you that. Yes. I may.
Look, man to man, your hair looks TERRIBLE. You may not know this, but people standing behind you are often scared when they see the back of your melon.
There are TV shows on the Discovery Channel that show deadly, venomous insects resembling your hairstyle. Generally, they live in places like the Amazon rainforest or the wilds of African Congo. And they are all hideous and unsettling.
Seriously, if you would just acknowledge how horrible it looks, I'd give you a 9 for having the balls to say, yeah, my head resembles that of an oil rig fire victim...so what?
But no. Instead, whenever Chabs shows up, we all have to stand around and pretend he doesn't look like a giant treasure troll with a swirlee.
Plus I'll be leaving my plush corner office early this afternoon and I'm already drunk.
Being in a relaxed state of mind, I've decided to offer my opinion on a variety of subjects, in no particular order, scored on a scale of one to ten, with ten being, say, oh I don't know, something pretty. Like a beautiful unicorn flying over a rainbow with a lovely sunset over the ocean and pretty purple-orange clouds. And a rating of one being like Jean Schmidt's face.
That gives us a logical place to start:
Phil Heimlich for Congress: 3
Having Phil Heimlich for a congressman would be like watching Weekend at Bernie's 3: Bernie Goes to Washington. A dead man could accomplish more than he did as Commissioner. He took a four year vacation at our expense. Four years wasted that could have been used to develop the Banks, build a jail, and find a way to shave off Todd Portune's mustache. Instead he picked his nose and wiped gigantic boogers under the chair of his beach lounger.
Since he's so lazy, I've decided to design a yard sign for his Congressional campaign, and it's only two colors which will save him some money:
Then again, even a dead person is better than Schmidt.
Maggie Nafziger: 10
At the risk of making things awkward when I stop in to Republican Headquarters at 700 Walnut, I'm going to share this opinion.
I think it's time that we as Republicans acknowledge the amazing talent we have in our Executive Director. And when I say talent, of course I'm talking about her amazing rack.
Fred Thompson for President: 3
Let's be honest here. Fred Thompson gave a very credible perfomance as the captain of an aircraft carrier in Hunt for Red October. My disbelief was suspended when he told Jack Ryan (played by asshat liberal Alec Baldwin), "The Russians don't take a dump, son, without a plan."
But since then, his acting has been just plain awful. I can't remember the last time I watched an episode of Law and Order where Fred Thompson made a believer out of me.
And believe me, as the powerful chairman of the Hamilton County Republican Party, a vaunted lawyer in the courtroom, counselor to the owner of the Cincinnati Reds, and an absolute cocksmith in the bedroom, I watch a LOT of TV. Hours and hours.
But he was old and fat then, and he's older and fatter now. The last fat old lard-ass president was Clinton, and we all know how that ended.
Mitt Romney for President: 3
If the West Wing was written by a conservative, Romney would be President Bartlett.
Too bad for us though, that he carries the unfortunate baggage of believing that Jesus had six wives during his second visit to Salt Lake City. Or so it goes. But if we can just get past that trivial detail, maybe he's electable. After all, I've heard the guy is so hot even Democrats like David Pepper would vote for him.
Caveman TV Show based on Geico Commercial: 3
Stupid.
Steve Chabot's Swirlee: 3
OK, Steve - if I may call you that. Yes. I may.
Look, man to man, your hair looks TERRIBLE. You may not know this, but people standing behind you are often scared when they see the back of your melon.
There are TV shows on the Discovery Channel that show deadly, venomous insects resembling your hairstyle. Generally, they live in places like the Amazon rainforest or the wilds of African Congo. And they are all hideous and unsettling.
Seriously, if you would just acknowledge how horrible it looks, I'd give you a 9 for having the balls to say, yeah, my head resembles that of an oil rig fire victim...so what?
But no. Instead, whenever Chabs shows up, we all have to stand around and pretend he doesn't look like a giant treasure troll with a swirlee.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Take the Angry George Quiz
As many of you know, it's not easy to run for public office, and the Republican Party is always looking for quality candidates who have what it takes. So I've designed this quiz to help Joe Sixpack determine whether or not he indeed meets the minimum standards to make it as a public servant. So if you're the type of guy who thinks you could do better than the people we have in office now, take this quiz. At the end, add up your score to see where you fall on the Official Angry George Political Viability Scale.
Question 1:
You are an underachiever working for peanuts at Skeffington's Formal Wear at Kenwood Town Center. Two customers walk in. Both are immaculately groomed, with goatees and earrings. They tell you they are going to a wedding. One asks for a black tuxedo and one asks for a white tuxedo. Do you:
a) Get on your hands and knees and "measure their inseams"?
b) Offer to save them some money by only renting them pants, white wrist cuffs and bow ties.
c) Tell them Skeffingtons is now closed and will re-open when they are no longer gay and their behavior no longer makes you want to kick their ass and vomit.
Question 2:
You are County Commissioner, and the community needs a jail, but doesn't have the money to fund it. Do you:
a) Sit on your ass for four years, then come up with an idea at the last moment, then watch as the idea and your political career go down in flames at the ballot box?
b) Raise taxes to fund a brand-new, Taj Mahal-esque, state of the art "justice center," complete with 500 channels of satellite television and high speed internet access in every cell so the prisoners can download fifty billion gigabytes of child porn every night.
c) Look at the lone idiot Democrat on the county commission with the mustache stuck to his face, tell him to enjoy being irrelevant for the rest of his life, then, with the help of your other conservative vote, slash funding on every last liberal social program, use a small portion of the proceeds to build an enormous but hellish jail system on a floating barge in the middle of the Ohio river, then refund the remainder of the savings to all property owners.
Question 3:
After being elected to Congress by the closest of margins, you quickly make a series of mistakes to cement the idea in everyone's mind that you are a complete dumbass. Do you:
a) Lie about having a college degree, then lie when confronted about it.
b) Propose a nuclear waste facility in your district.
c) Slip on someone vomit in the restroom, then piss off a visiting dignitary by insisting on introducing the House Minority Leader at a fundraiser, then proceed to insult said minority leader by cracking jokes about his golf tan and how he looks like "one of those illegals who will get amnesty under President Bush's plan, which I fully support."
Question 4:
You are an ass-kicking party chairman with incredible good looks and a devilish charm. While attending a very exclusive party, one of the Ben-Gal's cheerleaders approaches you and whispers in your ear that she wants to have a smaller "party" with just you, and one of her female friends. Upon learning of the identity of the friend, you turn her down. Why?
a) Because the phrase "party" implies an illicit sexual encounter where extra-marital and potentially lesbian intercourse might occur, and you oppose such behavior - or at least you say you oppose such behavior because you are such a loser that you've never been faced with such a situation and know you never will.
b) Because your wife is smoking hot and she called you just a few minutes before to tell you that she just got back from a shopping spree and she wants to reveal to you just what, exactly, Victoria's "secret" really is.
c) Because the other dyke was Leslie Ghiz.
Question 5:
You are the GOP Chairman of a smaller, inferior county, and you have a red moustache and a strange allegiance to the most embarrassing elected official since Jerry Springer. You want desperately to curry favor with the GOP Chairman who has a reputation for kicking a lot of ass without taking names. Do you:
a) Resign your position to avoid the discomfort of having to choose between a vulnerable sitting Congresswoman or the people who want her bounced from office.
b) Call said superior chairman and admit you have been wrong to endorse the embarrassing Congresswoman, and promise to double-cross her during the endorsement process in 2008, restoring your image as a powerful chairman but compromising your integrity.
c) Support said Congresswoman once again, only to watch her go down in flames in either the primary or the general election, then be forced to cut off your finger and mail it in a fine, porcelain box to said superior chairman as an admission of your failure, symbol of your apology, and promise never to go against said superior chairman in any future endeavors.
======================================
Answers:
Question 1 - the correct answer is "b" - any Republican worthy of running for office knows their stupid sham "marriage" is meaningless because we passed the Marriage Amendment in Ohio. But that doesn't mean they can't dress up and play house, so why not make a few extra bucks off these weirdos?
Score 3 points if you answered "b"
Score 2 points if you answered "c" - you lose a point for being a shameless bigot, which in turn makes you unelectable.
Score 0 points if you answered "a" because, well, come on. Do I have to explain it?
Question 2 - The correct answer is "c" - slashing liberal programs, making Todd Portune the poster boy for political Viagra, and making a jail out of an old coal barge? Come on. OnlyPhil Heimlich an idiot or a liberal would miss this one.
Score 3 points if you answered "c"
Score 1 point if you pulled a Heimlich maneuver, because, hey, at least you'll get a four year paid vacation at taxpayer expense before they run you out of town.
Score 0 point if you answered "b" because you want to raise taxes AND build a porn palace for perverts.
Question 3 - The correct answer is "d" - anybody but Schmidt, but I will also accept "c" because who hasn't slipped in a pool of vomit and insulted the most powerful Republican leader in the House? I know I have.
Score 3 points if you answered "c".
Score 2 points if you lied about your college degree and got away with it for 16 years.
Score 1 point if you think your constituents should drink water that makes them glow in the dark.
Question 4 - The correct answer is "c", for two reasons: First, everyone knows Leslie Ghiz is a dyke, and very few people have smoking hot wives like mine, so "b" can't possibly be the correct answer.
Score 3 points if you answered "c"
Score 2 points if you answered "b" but only if your wife is so hot that I might even do her. Five bonus points if I have, but subtract 10 for not having the balls to kick my ass and divorce her when you found out.
Score 0 points for "a" because, come on. Nobody turns down lesbians. Nobody. Not even David Pepper.
Question 5 - Score 3 points if you answered "c" because I would just LOVE to have a fine porcelain box on my desk containing your finger. And for the record, I want the whole damned finger, not just the first two knuckles. The first two knuckles only is a sign of weakness and a half-hearted apology. If you send me your first two knuckles, I swear I will come to your house and cut off two more fingers, shove them up your nose and then kick your ass.
Score 2 points answering "b" and double-crossing Jean Schmidt.
Score -5 points for being a giant, smelly vagina.
_____________________________________________________________________
RATE YOUR POLITICAL PROSPECTS
12-15 points: Congratulations, you either cheated or you're a political genius. Either way, you probably have the skills necessary for success.
9-11 points: You might have what it takes to run for County Auditor. Too bad we cut all those deals with Dusty so that you won't be allowed to run.
3-8 points: Congratulations, you're a flaming moderate moron. And we all know there is no such thing as a great moderate. You might want to consider running for County Coroner, where you might have more of an opinion than the dead people you work with.
-8 to 2 points: You must be a Democrat. Choke and die.
-9 points: You must be very proud of yourself. You are as stupid as they come. Victoria Wulsin comes to mind. And remember, even she came with 1% of taking out Jean Schmidt.
Question 1:
You are an underachiever working for peanuts at Skeffington's Formal Wear at Kenwood Town Center. Two customers walk in. Both are immaculately groomed, with goatees and earrings. They tell you they are going to a wedding. One asks for a black tuxedo and one asks for a white tuxedo. Do you:
a) Get on your hands and knees and "measure their inseams"?
b) Offer to save them some money by only renting them pants, white wrist cuffs and bow ties.
c) Tell them Skeffingtons is now closed and will re-open when they are no longer gay and their behavior no longer makes you want to kick their ass and vomit.
Question 2:
You are County Commissioner, and the community needs a jail, but doesn't have the money to fund it. Do you:
a) Sit on your ass for four years, then come up with an idea at the last moment, then watch as the idea and your political career go down in flames at the ballot box?
b) Raise taxes to fund a brand-new, Taj Mahal-esque, state of the art "justice center," complete with 500 channels of satellite television and high speed internet access in every cell so the prisoners can download fifty billion gigabytes of child porn every night.
c) Look at the lone idiot Democrat on the county commission with the mustache stuck to his face, tell him to enjoy being irrelevant for the rest of his life, then, with the help of your other conservative vote, slash funding on every last liberal social program, use a small portion of the proceeds to build an enormous but hellish jail system on a floating barge in the middle of the Ohio river, then refund the remainder of the savings to all property owners.
Question 3:
After being elected to Congress by the closest of margins, you quickly make a series of mistakes to cement the idea in everyone's mind that you are a complete dumbass. Do you:
a) Lie about having a college degree, then lie when confronted about it.
b) Propose a nuclear waste facility in your district.
c) Slip on someone vomit in the restroom, then piss off a visiting dignitary by insisting on introducing the House Minority Leader at a fundraiser, then proceed to insult said minority leader by cracking jokes about his golf tan and how he looks like "one of those illegals who will get amnesty under President Bush's plan, which I fully support."
Question 4:
You are an ass-kicking party chairman with incredible good looks and a devilish charm. While attending a very exclusive party, one of the Ben-Gal's cheerleaders approaches you and whispers in your ear that she wants to have a smaller "party" with just you, and one of her female friends. Upon learning of the identity of the friend, you turn her down. Why?
a) Because the phrase "party" implies an illicit sexual encounter where extra-marital and potentially lesbian intercourse might occur, and you oppose such behavior - or at least you say you oppose such behavior because you are such a loser that you've never been faced with such a situation and know you never will.
b) Because your wife is smoking hot and she called you just a few minutes before to tell you that she just got back from a shopping spree and she wants to reveal to you just what, exactly, Victoria's "secret" really is.
c) Because the other dyke was Leslie Ghiz.
Question 5:
You are the GOP Chairman of a smaller, inferior county, and you have a red moustache and a strange allegiance to the most embarrassing elected official since Jerry Springer. You want desperately to curry favor with the GOP Chairman who has a reputation for kicking a lot of ass without taking names. Do you:
a) Resign your position to avoid the discomfort of having to choose between a vulnerable sitting Congresswoman or the people who want her bounced from office.
b) Call said superior chairman and admit you have been wrong to endorse the embarrassing Congresswoman, and promise to double-cross her during the endorsement process in 2008, restoring your image as a powerful chairman but compromising your integrity.
c) Support said Congresswoman once again, only to watch her go down in flames in either the primary or the general election, then be forced to cut off your finger and mail it in a fine, porcelain box to said superior chairman as an admission of your failure, symbol of your apology, and promise never to go against said superior chairman in any future endeavors.
======================================
Answers:
Question 1 - the correct answer is "b" - any Republican worthy of running for office knows their stupid sham "marriage" is meaningless because we passed the Marriage Amendment in Ohio. But that doesn't mean they can't dress up and play house, so why not make a few extra bucks off these weirdos?
Score 3 points if you answered "b"
Score 2 points if you answered "c" - you lose a point for being a shameless bigot, which in turn makes you unelectable.
Score 0 points if you answered "a" because, well, come on. Do I have to explain it?
Question 2 - The correct answer is "c" - slashing liberal programs, making Todd Portune the poster boy for political Viagra, and making a jail out of an old coal barge? Come on. Only
Score 3 points if you answered "c"
Score 1 point if you pulled a Heimlich maneuver, because, hey, at least you'll get a four year paid vacation at taxpayer expense before they run you out of town.
Score 0 point if you answered "b" because you want to raise taxes AND build a porn palace for perverts.
Question 3 - The correct answer is "d" - anybody but Schmidt, but I will also accept "c" because who hasn't slipped in a pool of vomit and insulted the most powerful Republican leader in the House? I know I have.
Score 3 points if you answered "c".
Score 2 points if you lied about your college degree and got away with it for 16 years.
Score 1 point if you think your constituents should drink water that makes them glow in the dark.
Question 4 - The correct answer is "c", for two reasons: First, everyone knows Leslie Ghiz is a dyke, and very few people have smoking hot wives like mine, so "b" can't possibly be the correct answer.
Score 3 points if you answered "c"
Score 2 points if you answered "b" but only if your wife is so hot that I might even do her. Five bonus points if I have, but subtract 10 for not having the balls to kick my ass and divorce her when you found out.
Score 0 points for "a" because, come on. Nobody turns down lesbians. Nobody. Not even David Pepper.
Question 5 - Score 3 points if you answered "c" because I would just LOVE to have a fine porcelain box on my desk containing your finger. And for the record, I want the whole damned finger, not just the first two knuckles. The first two knuckles only is a sign of weakness and a half-hearted apology. If you send me your first two knuckles, I swear I will come to your house and cut off two more fingers, shove them up your nose and then kick your ass.
Score 2 points answering "b" and double-crossing Jean Schmidt.
Score -5 points for being a giant, smelly vagina.
_____________________________________________________________________
RATE YOUR POLITICAL PROSPECTS
12-15 points: Congratulations, you either cheated or you're a political genius. Either way, you probably have the skills necessary for success.
9-11 points: You might have what it takes to run for County Auditor. Too bad we cut all those deals with Dusty so that you won't be allowed to run.
3-8 points: Congratulations, you're a flaming moderate moron. And we all know there is no such thing as a great moderate. You might want to consider running for County Coroner, where you might have more of an opinion than the dead people you work with.
-8 to 2 points: You must be a Democrat. Choke and die.
-9 points: You must be very proud of yourself. You are as stupid as they come. Victoria Wulsin comes to mind. And remember, even she came with 1% of taking out Jean Schmidt.
Monday, July 23, 2007
A day in the life of Greg Hartmann - if I were him...
I've seen cottonballs with more personality. This is how it would look if I were Greg Hartmann:
Zzzzzz. Zzzzzz. Snort. Cough. Hiccup.
Ohhhh.. Morning again.
Roll out of bed, hop in the shower. What do I have to do today? Let me see... Hmmm.
Oh that's right, I'm still the Clerk of Courts. So that means I guess I have exactly NOTHING to do today. Nevertheless, I guess I'll head in to the office just to get out of spackling that hole in the wall for my cranky wife.
OK. Tighty-whitey underpants? Check.
Boring red tie, with the red stripes on a reddish background? Check.
Black wingtips, like every other corporate schmuck with no personality? Check.
Fake glasses to make me look intelligent? Check.
Better stop off at Starbucks and spend $6.95 on a double mocha with extra foam. There's no way I could stay awake at my desk without it, despite the fact that I went to bed last night around 9pm, sans nookie.
I walk into my spacious Clerk of Courts office. That's right, people, I am THE CLERK of COURTS. Not just any regular, every day clerk. I went to Pepperdine, you stupid fools. I am THE FREAKING CLERK OF ALL COURTS IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN COUNTY AND I WANT SOME FREAKING R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
"Good morning, Greg," says one of the employees.
"Shut up, skank. You're fired. Get out."
As the employee collects herself, still not sure if I really just fired her (I did), I turn to Kreg Allison, or as I like to call him: 'Mini-Me'.
"Mini-Me, quit working on Pat Fischer's campaign while on government time, and go get me a grande latte at Starbucks on government time."
I pick up the phone and dial *151 for the PA system.
"Now hear this. Attention all employees. This is Greg Hartmann, and every fat chick in the building is fired. That is all. Good bye."
Then I pull the .38 special out of my desk drawer and blow my brains out.
Below is an artist's conception of what it might actually look like:
...
Nope. I couldn't hack it if I were really Greg Hartmann.
And yeah, 2nd Amendment nuts... I know it's not a .38 special in the picture. Idiots.
Zzzzzz. Zzzzzz. Snort. Cough. Hiccup.
Ohhhh.. Morning again.
Roll out of bed, hop in the shower. What do I have to do today? Let me see... Hmmm.
Oh that's right, I'm still the Clerk of Courts. So that means I guess I have exactly NOTHING to do today. Nevertheless, I guess I'll head in to the office just to get out of spackling that hole in the wall for my cranky wife.
OK. Tighty-whitey underpants? Check.
Boring red tie, with the red stripes on a reddish background? Check.
Black wingtips, like every other corporate schmuck with no personality? Check.
Fake glasses to make me look intelligent? Check.
Better stop off at Starbucks and spend $6.95 on a double mocha with extra foam. There's no way I could stay awake at my desk without it, despite the fact that I went to bed last night around 9pm, sans nookie.
I walk into my spacious Clerk of Courts office. That's right, people, I am THE CLERK of COURTS. Not just any regular, every day clerk. I went to Pepperdine, you stupid fools. I am THE FREAKING CLERK OF ALL COURTS IN THIS GOD-FORSAKEN COUNTY AND I WANT SOME FREAKING R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
"Good morning, Greg," says one of the employees.
"Shut up, skank. You're fired. Get out."
As the employee collects herself, still not sure if I really just fired her (I did), I turn to Kreg Allison, or as I like to call him: 'Mini-Me'.
"Mini-Me, quit working on Pat Fischer's campaign while on government time, and go get me a grande latte at Starbucks on government time."
I pick up the phone and dial *151 for the PA system.
"Now hear this. Attention all employees. This is Greg Hartmann, and every fat chick in the building is fired. That is all. Good bye."
Then I pull the .38 special out of my desk drawer and blow my brains out.
Below is an artist's conception of what it might actually look like:
...
Nope. I couldn't hack it if I were really Greg Hartmann.
And yeah, 2nd Amendment nuts... I know it's not a .38 special in the picture. Idiots.
Saturday, July 21, 2007
Free advice for our elected Republican leaders
Dear Chris Monzel,
If you hope to have a future in politics, please take these suggestions to heart:
Letting a gum-chewing homo run a #2 trimmer through your hair at SuperCuts is not in your best interest. Do yourself a favor and try spending more than $4.25, and under no circumstances are you to tell the stylist what she is to do. Let her choose, just this once. You’ll be glad you did.
Second, the Monzel Report is terrible. It’s not Brad Beckett’s fault, it’s yours. He works his ass off for you to churn out page after page of the most boring collection of tedious minutiae anyone has ever seen. Stop. Just stop. Also, please unsubscribe me from your mail list. I have never in my life ever read a single story in the Monzel Report. It's almost as bad as the Becker Report. More on that later.
Third, lose the tweed sport coats. Buy more suits. And whenever you are driving, practice making facial expressions to give your cheeks a workout. Your face is starting to get saggy.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Leslie Ghiz,
If you want the party endorsement this year, please consider the following:
First, please stop having sex with Democrats at City Hall.
Second, please stop having sex with City Hall staffers.
Third, please stop having sex with Jean Schmidt.
Fourth, please stop running for office.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Pat DeWine,
If you don't want me to find someone to take you out next year, please heed the following advice:
1) Buy a neck brace, and wear it. Practice holding your chin perpendicular to your body.
2) Never, ever run for any office other than Commissioner. You've done more with less than any other political candidate in the tri-state area. Quit while you are ahead.
3) When walking, keep your hands out of your pockets. No one wants to think about what your hands are doing in there.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Steve Chabot,
Yep, the hair.
Shave it off.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Jean Schmidt,
Brush your teeth. Slather your face with putty. Wear high-collared shirts so no one has to look at your neck. Never, under any circumstances, open your mouth, except maybe to eat, never to talk.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Joe Deters,
Please keep your pants up while at work. We already had one sex scandal. You should also consider not traveling with staffers who look like porn starlets. They are a dead giveaway.
Don't worry, though. Your dirty secret is safe with me. For now.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Tom Brinkman,
Please go through your closet and throw away all pants that do not touch your shoes.
Also, please throw away any ties with the following patterns / designs:
-dollar signs
-cartoon characters
-holiday themes
-animals
Never, under any circumstances, go to the same barber that Monzel uses.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_____________________________________
Dear Jim Raussen,
See advice for Joe Deters.
Also, stop hitting the sauce. It's starting to show.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_____________________________________
Dear Michelle Schneider,
Stop eating for at least a year. And never again take your shoes off when in a meeting. Your fat feet smell like burned brussel sprouts and urine.
Sincerely,
Angry George
If you hope to have a future in politics, please take these suggestions to heart:
Letting a gum-chewing homo run a #2 trimmer through your hair at SuperCuts is not in your best interest. Do yourself a favor and try spending more than $4.25, and under no circumstances are you to tell the stylist what she is to do. Let her choose, just this once. You’ll be glad you did.
Second, the Monzel Report is terrible. It’s not Brad Beckett’s fault, it’s yours. He works his ass off for you to churn out page after page of the most boring collection of tedious minutiae anyone has ever seen. Stop. Just stop. Also, please unsubscribe me from your mail list. I have never in my life ever read a single story in the Monzel Report. It's almost as bad as the Becker Report. More on that later.
Third, lose the tweed sport coats. Buy more suits. And whenever you are driving, practice making facial expressions to give your cheeks a workout. Your face is starting to get saggy.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Leslie Ghiz,
If you want the party endorsement this year, please consider the following:
First, please stop having sex with Democrats at City Hall.
Second, please stop having sex with City Hall staffers.
Third, please stop having sex with Jean Schmidt.
Fourth, please stop running for office.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Pat DeWine,
If you don't want me to find someone to take you out next year, please heed the following advice:
1) Buy a neck brace, and wear it. Practice holding your chin perpendicular to your body.
2) Never, ever run for any office other than Commissioner. You've done more with less than any other political candidate in the tri-state area. Quit while you are ahead.
3) When walking, keep your hands out of your pockets. No one wants to think about what your hands are doing in there.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Steve Chabot,
Yep, the hair.
Shave it off.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Jean Schmidt,
Brush your teeth. Slather your face with putty. Wear high-collared shirts so no one has to look at your neck. Never, under any circumstances, open your mouth, except maybe to eat, never to talk.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Joe Deters,
Please keep your pants up while at work. We already had one sex scandal. You should also consider not traveling with staffers who look like porn starlets. They are a dead giveaway.
Don't worry, though. Your dirty secret is safe with me. For now.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_______________________________________
Dear Tom Brinkman,
Please go through your closet and throw away all pants that do not touch your shoes.
Also, please throw away any ties with the following patterns / designs:
-dollar signs
-cartoon characters
-holiday themes
-animals
Never, under any circumstances, go to the same barber that Monzel uses.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_____________________________________
Dear Jim Raussen,
See advice for Joe Deters.
Also, stop hitting the sauce. It's starting to show.
Sincerely,
Angry George
_____________________________________
Dear Michelle Schneider,
Stop eating for at least a year. And never again take your shoes off when in a meeting. Your fat feet smell like burned brussel sprouts and urine.
Sincerely,
Angry George
Friday, July 20, 2007
Michael Vick and I have something in common
Today, you will learn a political management technique that many high-powered politicians and top-notch athletes like Michael Vick understand instinctively:
Killing a dog is sometimes a good business decision.
Once you understand this important business lesson, you will begin to understand why your principled elected leaders campaign on specific issues and then SELL YOU UP THE RIVER the first chance they get.
It's not because they really are sellouts, or hypocrites or two-faced lying SOBs. They may well be those things, but that's not why they are selling you out.
The reason they sell you out is simple: it's because they don't want me to pay a visit to their house and kill their dog. But more on that later.
It's also because they understand the "big picture."
Do you? I doubt it.
So let me give you a "furexample":
For example, suppose Bob Smith runs for school board on the promise that he will slash the school's football program and use the money for higher quality education.
When he gets elected and the time comes for a vote, he gets a phone call from a guy we'll call "Angry George," the party leader, and this is the conversation:
_________________________________________________________
Bob: Hello?
Angry George: Hi. Great job running that single-issue campaign and getting elected.
Bob: Why thank you. You know, Angry George, I am so glad you recognize the importance of this...
Angry George: Shut up.
Bob: ...issue...excuse me?
Angry George: This is what you will do: you will vote in favor of the Junior High Football Team because they need that new, performance enhancing, 97.3% steroid-free nutrition-shake machine in the locker room.
Bob: But Angry George, I ran opposed to such frivolous spending.
Angry George: You will vote in favor of the football program, or I will come over to your house at 8744 Maple Grove tonight and kill your dog.
Bob (feigning shock): WHAT??!?
Angry George: Moron, I know you want to run for Mayor of Jerkwater in two years. And if you want to have your stupid dog pose with you in the campaign literature, you'll vote for the steroid-shake machine. Are you starting to smell what I'm cooking?
Bob: You did say 'mayor' right?
Angry George: I did.
Bob: I noticed those junior high kids looked a little scrawny. I suppose I didn't realize during the campaign just how overmatched our community has been against those other schools. It's a tragedy waiting to happen. And the scoreboard is so inadequate for their poor parents... those families need a JumboTron!
Angry George: Indeed they do.
__________________________________________
As you can see from the example, killing dogs and buying off politicians are useful skills to have in a party leader's repertoire. Another important thing to understand is that "principles are malleable."
"Malleable" is a 50-cent word which means "for sale."
So next time your favorite Congressman goes to Washington filled with righteousness and principled ideas, and he comes back with $650,000 in his campaign war chest, you'll know instinctively that he probably has a family dog.
Keep this important lesson in mind as we continue to dive deeper into the rabbit hole that is Hamilton County Politics. We have many exciting adventures ahead.
Oh, and for you animal lovers out there, I've never actually killed anyone's dog.
With my bare hands.
Sincerely,
George Vincent
email me at:
angrygeorge@gmail.com
Killing a dog is sometimes a good business decision.
Once you understand this important business lesson, you will begin to understand why your principled elected leaders campaign on specific issues and then SELL YOU UP THE RIVER the first chance they get.
It's not because they really are sellouts, or hypocrites or two-faced lying SOBs. They may well be those things, but that's not why they are selling you out.
The reason they sell you out is simple: it's because they don't want me to pay a visit to their house and kill their dog. But more on that later.
It's also because they understand the "big picture."
Do you? I doubt it.
So let me give you a "furexample":
For example, suppose Bob Smith runs for school board on the promise that he will slash the school's football program and use the money for higher quality education.
When he gets elected and the time comes for a vote, he gets a phone call from a guy we'll call "Angry George," the party leader, and this is the conversation:
_________________________________________________________
Bob: Hello?
Angry George: Hi. Great job running that single-issue campaign and getting elected.
Bob: Why thank you. You know, Angry George, I am so glad you recognize the importance of this...
Angry George: Shut up.
Bob: ...issue...excuse me?
Angry George: This is what you will do: you will vote in favor of the Junior High Football Team because they need that new, performance enhancing, 97.3% steroid-free nutrition-shake machine in the locker room.
Bob: But Angry George, I ran opposed to such frivolous spending.
Angry George: You will vote in favor of the football program, or I will come over to your house at 8744 Maple Grove tonight and kill your dog.
Bob (feigning shock): WHAT??!?
Angry George: Moron, I know you want to run for Mayor of Jerkwater in two years. And if you want to have your stupid dog pose with you in the campaign literature, you'll vote for the steroid-shake machine. Are you starting to smell what I'm cooking?
Bob: You did say 'mayor' right?
Angry George: I did.
Bob: I noticed those junior high kids looked a little scrawny. I suppose I didn't realize during the campaign just how overmatched our community has been against those other schools. It's a tragedy waiting to happen. And the scoreboard is so inadequate for their poor parents... those families need a JumboTron!
Angry George: Indeed they do.
__________________________________________
As you can see from the example, killing dogs and buying off politicians are useful skills to have in a party leader's repertoire. Another important thing to understand is that "principles are malleable."
"Malleable" is a 50-cent word which means "for sale."
So next time your favorite Congressman goes to Washington filled with righteousness and principled ideas, and he comes back with $650,000 in his campaign war chest, you'll know instinctively that he probably has a family dog.
Keep this important lesson in mind as we continue to dive deeper into the rabbit hole that is Hamilton County Politics. We have many exciting adventures ahead.
Oh, and for you animal lovers out there, I've never actually killed anyone's dog.
With my bare hands.
Sincerely,
George Vincent
email me at:
angrygeorge@gmail.com
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I sued three people for $470 million today. What did you do?
I'm guessing $470 million dollars sounds like a lot of money to some of you, so let me be perfectly clear: it is.
And you know what? I'll probably settle all three of these lawsuits within the next 18 months for somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred million bucks. So P&G gets their cut - $65 million, and I will take the remaining $35 million bucks. Eh. Chump change.
And what did you do today? Let me guess. You sat in your cubicle all morning, pretending to work while you surfed the web. Around lunch, you walked to the Subway and got a six inch BLT on wheat, ate your flavorless baked Lays (one of the companies I've sued, by the way) and you lamented your miserable, pathetic life.
And you should.
Meanwhile, around the same time, I was snorting a line of coke off a hooker's ass and laughing while I lit a Cuban cigar with a hundred dollar bill.
All of which brings me to the main point of this post:
It's time for a really juicy political scandal in Hamilton County. I'm thinking of something Nixonian in scope. Something shocking.
You heard it here first, folks. Within the next month, I will single-handedly oversee the downfall of a well known public figure in Hamilton County.
Why? Because I have $35 million bucks at my disposal and that buys an awful lot of scandal. And because I can.
Oh, and one more thing. That line about snorting a line of coke off a hooker's ass - I was only kidding.
The line I snorted was actually between her ladyberries.
Sincerely,
George Vincent
angrygeorge@gmail.com
And you know what? I'll probably settle all three of these lawsuits within the next 18 months for somewhere in the neighborhood of a hundred million bucks. So P&G gets their cut - $65 million, and I will take the remaining $35 million bucks. Eh. Chump change.
And what did you do today? Let me guess. You sat in your cubicle all morning, pretending to work while you surfed the web. Around lunch, you walked to the Subway and got a six inch BLT on wheat, ate your flavorless baked Lays (one of the companies I've sued, by the way) and you lamented your miserable, pathetic life.
And you should.
Meanwhile, around the same time, I was snorting a line of coke off a hooker's ass and laughing while I lit a Cuban cigar with a hundred dollar bill.
All of which brings me to the main point of this post:
It's time for a really juicy political scandal in Hamilton County. I'm thinking of something Nixonian in scope. Something shocking.
You heard it here first, folks. Within the next month, I will single-handedly oversee the downfall of a well known public figure in Hamilton County.
Why? Because I have $35 million bucks at my disposal and that buys an awful lot of scandal. And because I can.
Oh, and one more thing. That line about snorting a line of coke off a hooker's ass - I was only kidding.
The line I snorted was actually between her ladyberries.
Sincerely,
George Vincent
angrygeorge@gmail.com
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
I will stomp Simon Leis's colon
Simon Leis is a dust-farting sissy.
Ever since Pat DeWine decided to act like a conservative on this jail tax, Simon Leis has been flapping his dentures as though anyone in this town actually gives a flying crap what he says.
No, wait a minute. I'm giving that sack of bones too much credit. Last time I checked, real lawmen didn't write sissy letters and send them through "intermediaries" and leak the story to the local paper.
Real lawmen don't whine and cry about not having enough "jailspace" for crystal meth addicts and gay crack whores.
I'm going to tell you what a real lawman would do. But first, I'm getting ahead of myself...since this is the first rant on my new website, I should probably explain what this is all about.
As the greatest and most respected leader in the history of the Hamilton County Republican Party, I was repulsed by the ass-kicking we got last November, largely due to the fact that the candidates we put up last year sucked like a girlfriend I had back in law school. The picture to the left is a perfect illustration of what happened.
So I've decided it's time to take the gloves off and bitch-slap some people around here.
Which brings me to my original point:
I will stomp Simon Leis's colon. I will do it without hesitation the very next time I see him because he's not a real lawman.
A real, Republican lawman would call up Pat DeWine, and this is how the conversation would go:
Pat DeWine: Hello?
Real Lawman: Shut up.
Pat DeWine: Er... ah...
Real Lawman: I hate criminals, crack whores and drug dealers, and I want them locked in jail.
Pat DeWine: OK, how can I help?
Real Lawman: You can shut your mouth and listen, or you can get donkey-punched.
Pat DeWine: OK.
Real Lawman: I'm going to come to the next Commissioner's meeting and punch you in the face if either of those Democrats so much as talk about raising taxes for a new jail.
Pat DeWine: But don't you want money for a new jail?
Real Lawman: No, idiot. I just want a BIGGER jail.
Pat DeWine: Sounds good. How do we get one?
Real Lawman: That's your problem. I'm the sheriff. Now slash spending on someone else's budget and pay for it before I come over there and take a crap on your face.
*Click*
Now THAT'S leadership, and we need more of it around here.
Sincerely,
George Vincent
E-mail me at:
angrygeorge@gmail.com
Ever since Pat DeWine decided to act like a conservative on this jail tax, Simon Leis has been flapping his dentures as though anyone in this town actually gives a flying crap what he says.
No, wait a minute. I'm giving that sack of bones too much credit. Last time I checked, real lawmen didn't write sissy letters and send them through "intermediaries" and leak the story to the local paper.
Real lawmen don't whine and cry about not having enough "jailspace" for crystal meth addicts and gay crack whores.
I'm going to tell you what a real lawman would do. But first, I'm getting ahead of myself...since this is the first rant on my new website, I should probably explain what this is all about.
As the greatest and most respected leader in the history of the Hamilton County Republican Party, I was repulsed by the ass-kicking we got last November, largely due to the fact that the candidates we put up last year sucked like a girlfriend I had back in law school. The picture to the left is a perfect illustration of what happened.So I've decided it's time to take the gloves off and bitch-slap some people around here.
Which brings me to my original point:
I will stomp Simon Leis's colon. I will do it without hesitation the very next time I see him because he's not a real lawman.
A real, Republican lawman would call up Pat DeWine, and this is how the conversation would go:
Pat DeWine: Hello?
Real Lawman: Shut up.
Pat DeWine: Er... ah...
Real Lawman: I hate criminals, crack whores and drug dealers, and I want them locked in jail.
Pat DeWine: OK, how can I help?
Real Lawman: You can shut your mouth and listen, or you can get donkey-punched.
Pat DeWine: OK.
Real Lawman: I'm going to come to the next Commissioner's meeting and punch you in the face if either of those Democrats so much as talk about raising taxes for a new jail.
Pat DeWine: But don't you want money for a new jail?
Real Lawman: No, idiot. I just want a BIGGER jail.
Pat DeWine: Sounds good. How do we get one?
Real Lawman: That's your problem. I'm the sheriff. Now slash spending on someone else's budget and pay for it before I come over there and take a crap on your face.
*Click*
Now THAT'S leadership, and we need more of it around here.
Sincerely,
George Vincent
E-mail me at:
angrygeorge@gmail.com
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